Every now and then this comes back- a part of my struggle

Gosh there are times I hate my life and hate all the people I have to be around. I hate the way I have felt and I want to blame it to be there fault. I want to blame them that I hardely see my best friend anymore. I want to blame them for the way I felt that one night that I don't think I will ever forget after that eighth grade dance. I want to swear like a sailor in their faces and instead of saying faces I want to say something like flippin apathetic selfish traitor eyes. For so long I tried to blame it on them. Finally I let go and every now and then I feel that way again. I always tell myself, "No, I don't allow my mind to go there. I won't give myself time to think about that." Even for times I tried to say it wasn't their fault it was mine for letting my thoughts wonder. Guess where that brought me?

To my knees. Then to the floor and to utter giving up to God to be my identity. But every now in then I try to put on the old leaven that I was because people seem to do something that triggers it. God will be my identity. I will not be controlled by my emotions. I won't put aside all truth and logic for hate and anger. I won't go to the places I want to because I want to run from remains of heartache. I am going to give those people every stinking fiber of service I have for them. Because the one who saved me from letting go that one night did the same for the people that went against him. I can't think it didn't hurt so bad to constantly be around people who opposed his father. I am going to give til I burn dry because he sure did. And it is a whole lot better use of my time then letting my mind and heart ache out of anger and unforgiveness. I used to think I had that different stuff happen in the course of 5-8 grade so that I could help the people who felt that way.
So I could identify it and love them so they didn't have to feel like no one was answering. I nailed my distrust and anger to a cross. Twice I think. Once I wrote it on a sheet of paper at K-Colorado and once long before that. More so it is the sin the world is in that is holding everyone back. the ones who don't love and the ones who don't feel love. They are just listening to lies whispered. They aren't letting go. Just let go!

Settle down every heart, and gaze upon the beauty of ages and the peace; you are moving to fast to see.

Woo, that felt good. I might should not post this but I will go ahead i suppose. It kinda is some of my testimony. This seems like a jumble of truth and emotions. Yeah, i guess God did want me to stay home and think tonight. Since everyone else must have just thought I was in Canada. Social events have never been that great to me anyway. Not alot of thought goes on. But hey, that all has been let go. and praise God